So over the last few weeks I have sat down numerous times to try to write down some of the different thoughts and emotions that have accompanied my last few months. Each time I have tried to put my thoughts together, I just haven't been able to express myself the way that I have wanted. So, here's to hoping that the words to come in this blog are an adequate representation of the past month.
Since last August I have been wrestling back and forth with the idea of going back to school. I was so incredibly fickle. I know Casey had to be getting frustrated, although he was so incredibly patient with me! On any given day he could ask me what the chances were that I was going to leave and the answer could be 95% chance one day and 5% chance the next day. I knew that I wanted to go back to school at some point, but I just couldn't stand the idea of saying good-bye to my teens and families that I love so dearly here in Little Rock. There were days when I would sit in my office and just think about going back to school and start crying because I just didn't feel like it was a good time to leave. And then I would sit there and think well, next year won't be a good time to leave, and the group after that...I love them so much too, and then the next year won't be a good time to leave either. And then came the realization that I finally had to come to...When you love these kids and families as much as I do...THERE WILL NEVER BE AN EASY TIME TO LEAVE.
Throughout the whole year I felt like God just kept telling me, do what you want to do, as long as you're seeking to honor me I will use you no matter what you choose. That gave me so much peace. I knew that God was not limited by my vocation, and that as long as I was willing that He could use me no matter where I went. So at the end of December I finally made my final decision that I would be going back to school with the hopes of going to medical school.
Once my decision was made there was a weight that just seemed to be lifted off my shoulders...well at least for a few days. There was a peace that came with making my decision that could only come from God.
Then came January and the realization that I was going to have to tell the people that I love so much that I would be moving in just a few short months. There were so many thoughts running through my mind as the February 10th parents meeting approached. Above all, I wanted my kids to know that I love them so incredibly much and that this decision was not made without tons of prayer, fasting, and tears.
I was fully anticipating the week before my announcement to be absolutely miserable. The Sunday before I was planning on telling my PV family I almost had to walk out of church because I was getting so emotional. That Sunday night I cried myself to sleep somewhere between 12-1 am. I truly thought, this is going to be the longest week of my life...but then something happened.
That Sunday night as I was lying in bed crying myself to sleep I decided that I needed to spend some time in the Word. So I pulled out my Bible and opened it up and started reading. Normally when it's 12:30 in the morning I don't think to myself...this would be a great time to read Exodus...but for some reason that night that was where I turned. So, as I was reading through the story of the Israelites making their way out of Egypt my heart found a truth that I would find myself clinging to ALL week long.
As I read through the journey that the Israelites took, I found myself drawn to the image of God going before the Israelites in a pillar of cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night. He went before them and prepared the way. He led them down the right path. And in that moment, I found peace knowing that my God was already going before me and preparing the way. That was the promise and the truth that I held on to all week long.
When I would start to get anxious or start to feel overwhelmed I remembered my God's promise that He would never leave me or forsake me. I trusted that He was already going before me and preparing the way. And that week...well sure it was still emotional, but I walked into that parents meeting on February 10th with a peace that surpasses all understanding, and a joy that can only come from our amazing God.
So since February 10th things have been up and down. It has been a little bit of an emotional roller coaster. I have felt sadness when I think about leaving PV and the people I love so much. I have also felt so much excitement about this next stage in my life and all the new and different opportunities that it brings. I have felt incredibly blessed by so many people at Pleasant Valley who have poured so much love and encouragement into my life over the past month. I have felt slightly overwhelmed as I have taken practice MCAT exams and tried to plan out how I am going to cram what feels like 100 different classes into the next year of my life. I have felt a little anxious when I think about how I'm not going to have a job again until I am at least 30. But above all, I have felt the peace of God.
So, I have two months left at Pleasant Valley before I head to OKC to start a different journey. I don't know exactly what God has in store for me over the next few years, but I am so excited to find out. I know that He will continue to go before me and prepare the way, and that He is already at work in ways that I can't even see.
If I had to sum up the last 9 months in one word...it would be BLESSED! God has showed me over and over again through the ups and downs of the last 9 months that He has blessed me in more ways that I could ever count. I am so thankful to serve the one true God. The God who is alive! This journey with Him is sometimes crazy, scary, and hard, but it is a blessing to be a little part in His big story!
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